The firework

Everything gets its sense with time flowing. Even habitual thing becomes significant and painful. We understand that this phenomenon couldn`t be an embodiment of happiness for you as it is for other people. The most beautiful things turn into a bullet designed for your subconscious sometimes. I opened this simple truth in my early sixteen. Since that time, nothing gave me a reason to dispel this statement.  

Kyiv, winter, 2014  

For the first time this year I felt calm and appeasement. We were lucky because my husband and I were in a city, which didn`t know what war was.  

Our acquaintances agreed to shelter us in an unfamiliar city, where we didn`t know anyone. They had a cozy apartment with a view on a shiny street. We had been hiding in the basement waiting for the end of the shootout a day before, but that day we were preparing to celebrate a New Year.  

People who live in a piece don`t understand that happiness when you can simply walk in the supermarket to choose presents for children, or buy some products for a celebrating table. And you don`t need to be afraid of shots and bombing. These actions became very special for me after living in the war for six months. After six months, I began to turn into a wild animal for whom the outside world seemed unfamiliar, unknown, but still desired. War turns many into monsters. It doesn`t matter for it will you live or will you die. You turn into nothing. You mean nothing more. You are only a small insect that interferes with "the plans of the Masons".  

In Kyiv it seemed that I had never seen such a peaceful life before. Everything differed from our city. Everyone was busy with his affairs. «Do they know that people suffer from human cruelty in another city? Or do they pretend not to know about this fact? »  

On a second, an ugly thought appeared in my head: «I want you to know my pain. I want your children to be far away from you on this family holiday. I want you to cry from happiness because you have a chance to go for a walk with your lover». It was unfair that it was me who had lost my home and children. I was angry with the whole world, and if I had the strength, I would have burned everything to the ground.  

I cried a lot.  

It was midnight soon. We were waiting for a New Year. We hoped it would be better than that.  

Suddenly I heard shots, so loud that they stunned me. They were so close, so I grabbed my husband's hand and hid under the table. I couldn`t believe that war come here. I was in that hell again. And there was the same dialog again…  

Donetsk, summer, 2014  

– What happened?  

– Don`t come home! Do you hear me?! Stay in the shopping center. They won`t shoot in that district. But now shelling here. Please, don`t come. Everything will be okay with me…  

The conversation was interrupted.  

It was like an earthquake. The whole house was shaking as if they were shooting not somewhere far away, but right at our house. I grabbed two 20 kg bags with the most important documents and clothes and ran to a bombproof shelter. Those bags were packaged in advance in case we have to run away from home. I wasn`t frightened until I came into a shelter, where a lot of people were waiting for the end. Children cried; the old men sighed loudly there.  

I sat down on a cold floor. Only then it dawned on me: "How could I raise these heavy bags? How could I come to this place? " I didn`t remember all these things. Then I realized that I was scared to death. My husband was far away from me. And I prayed that he would survive and we could see each other as soon as possible.  

But time didn`t want to come faster.  

Kyiv, winter, 2014  

– Are you okay? Are you okay? – my friends and husband repeated.  

– There`s a New Year firework, – someone said.  

I understood that I would never be able to enjoy these bright flashes in the sky as it was before.  

The sound of a firework will always remind me of a sound of shots, which I want to forget. I didn`t take into account a firework in the past. It was habitual, but now it gets its sense, becomes significant and painful. This phenomenon will never be an embodiment of happiness for me. The most beautiful thing turned into a bullet designed for my injured soul.