DRINKING VODKA KGB STYLE. Mikhail Kryzhanovsky

Mikhail Kryzhanovsky, a former KGB spy and CIA "Filament"  

kryzhanovsky7777@gmail. com  

NYC  

I am not an alcoholic. So say hundreds of millions of alcoholics around the world, in the States, in Russia, in Ukraine. In New York, by the way, not one of the 5, 000 liquor stores has gone bankrupt in my memory. But try to guess from three times what profession makes you drink every day and who, besides tasters, has cirrhosis of the liver a professional disease? One, two, three – no one guessed. These are diplomats. Judge for yourself, in New York, a hundred consulates and hundreds of one and a half missions at the UN, each country has one or more national holidays – and this is two hundred general drunkards, most often in the luxurious hotel "Waldorf Astoria", where the US president usually stops. Since information is the bread of a diplomat (like a scout), then, plus official diplomatic receptions, you have to meet with politicians, businessmen, colleagues, journalists, "shine" on VIP parties, presentations and drink, drink, drink. Humanity has not yet come up with another honest way to untie the interlocutor’s language.  

Every year at the KGB, all officers undergo medical examinations for all doctors, x-rays and tests, always answering a question about their relationship with alcohol. It is not only not accepted to answer “I don’t drink”, but also suspiciously – the comrade either hides some kind of illness, or he is a traitor, or he considers himself to be the navel of the earth; must answer: "I drink on holidays. " Someone thinks that a Chekist can be drunk well with something like "Northern Lights" (vodka with champagne), and he will immediately lay out all the secrets. Mistake Almost everyone quickly develops a professional reflex – not a word about work while drinking. Politics is boring in the service, so conversations revolve around sex (most often, officers get fucked on business trips).  

Part 1. Beer  

“There is never much beer. ” “Tell me what you drink, and I will say who you are. ”. "Drink beer foamy – there will be a snout oh... I. ". "Vodka without beer – money down the drain. ". "Drink beer – it is delicious and beautiful in color. " "It’s not beer that kills people – water kills people. " "Where do we start the concert? With a beer? Cold? ". (Folk wisdom)  

I love beer because it is delicious. No vodka, so they did not like me in the KGB: "Mishany, they are not respected by the team, are you blue blood, damn it?!" Nobody knew that on Saturdays I quietly and modestly stomped a train to Lviv and there, right on the station square, I took dumplings in the dining room and under them, until late in the evening, dabbled in super-class barrel Lviv – 2-3-4..... glasses. Lepota! More than once or twice, I invited foreigners who were interesting from the point of view of intelligence in Yaremche, where you could safely recruit under Czech velvet barrel.  

Lviv beer can be stocked here in Polish shops, but the taste, in my opinion, is lost. There is a beer shop on 9th Avenue, where varieties under 200 are on display – I tried a lot of things, including Bavarian, but the best was modest Czech for the dollar with the same modest label "Chekhoslovakian Beer". A sad story came out with him – the Russians (and there are 600 thousand of us), not without my help, tried it and began to take boxes of 24 bottles each (in one of the articles I inadvertently described how well it goes under the Danube herring). The Czechs, seeing this, became insolent, inflated the prices 3 times and the American wholesalers simply sent them away. Amerikosy polls drink "Budweiser", soda with a taste of rubber. After the war, they stole a whole brewery in Czech Budvar, with equipment, technology and engineers, brought here, Czechs traveled, tasted the water and said that hell wouldn’t succeed – it happened. And they swallow this crap, because the advertising is total. Only a barrel drink can be compared with Budweiser, which is diluted with water and where you add washing powder for foam (brains fly off well) on the streets of Ukrainian cities. The Russians make beer-frying with soup, pasta, pilaf, meatballs and pickles, or boil a glass of sour cream in a glass. Mistake again. First, you need to drink in nature, where there is no refrigerator and the ability to climb there every 5 minutes. Secondly, a beer snack (at least a box, even a barrel) should fit in the palm of your hand – a ram or any smoked piece, a couple of packs of chips, a cheese sandwich and dry sausage, a serving of ravioli, a couple of sausages with green peas, bread and butter and caviar – to choose from. And that’s all! The meaning of drinking appears from 5% alcohol and above, the glass does not need to be sucked – it is drunk in two divided drinks and only cold – this is not discussed. Usually, my friends and I take on Friday-Saturday a Saturday on a box of Czech (24) light fried trout and sandwiches with red caviar – great! And in general, beer is a thing. What is 3 liters (6 bottles) for the right man? For half an hour of work. And now try to blow 3 liters of water in half an hour. Make sure? And now try to blow 3 liters of water in half an hour. Make sure? And now try to blow 3 liters of water in half an hour. Make sure?  

Part 2. Wine  

"Not among those who have cast the state into dust – Only the drunken soul rushes up. We must drink on Sunday, Saturday, Monday, Friday, Wednesday, Thursday! " (Omar Khayyam on wine).  

The whole Italian mafia lives and decides its business in the cozy, green district of Bensonhurst, where I lived for two years. Here is the famous Caesar wine and vodka store, the only one where the Absolute souvenir bottle of the year 2000, a crystal, in a drawer, for $ 4000 was displayed in a window. “Caesar” has everything – from the fake Georgian “Khvanchkara” (supposedly “Khvanchkar” was adored by Stalin, who actually drank light home-made white wine) to German Riesling. From what I tried in America in general, I consider Chilean red dry Cabernet Sauvignon of any year packed in burlap to be the best. The owner of the store, a mafioso, urged me to try Italian. Fine. Then he began to offer American (from California) white, the very one that President Reagan had once given to Gorbachev, who recalled this with nausea (in response, Gorbachev treated the negotiating partner to the Russian “Lemon”, from whom Reagan spat for a long time). I refused, and he – an unprecedented matter – offered to take at half price, after which "you will come for this miracle every day. " Okay, I took it, went to the playground and "persuaded" a chocolate bar. After half an hour and the next day everything hurt me: the head, arms, legs and even ears.  

There are no "wine" alcoholics in America, because a bottle of good wine and a bottle of cheap vodka cost the same – under $ 10, but women are full. They quickly become alcoholics on champagne, considering it fun, sparkling juice. Mistake No matter how I whistle about the intricacies of the taste of ordinary and collection wines, the only truth is that there is nothing special to drink. Perhaps the only pleasant exception can be considered port (not Soviet, of course) – $ 5, 18% and pure raisins-mmm... For a long time we drank homemade strawberries too – that was jazz. For my friend’s 50th birthday, we drank a bottle of the famous French Chateau Margot for $ 250 – fine, but still, like any wine, we added a couple of spoons of sugar. A friend recently brought the no less famous "shampoo" "Widow Clicquot" – Muck rare, pure penicillin, let the French themselves drink it. By the way, in France they rarely die of heart attacks precisely because they drink dry red even during the lunch break (this is allowed). The wine goes well with barbecue, dry red, I recommend Cabernet Sauvignon (for women – Merlot). They say that under white meat (fish and poultry) you need to drink white, and for everything else – red, and at room temperature.  

Chukhna. If the “wine” mood has already appeared, I: 1. Cool the bottle and drink it very cold – the bitter taste disappears. 2. For the same purpose, a couple of spoons of sugar. 3. I drink not for meat, but for a fried bun with melted cheese. You can also have a barbecue, preferably chicken, and no matter how much wine you have, get one skewer of meat.  

Californian wines are preferred at the White House – Chardonnay Newton (white), Swanson Langiovese and Mom Papa Valley (dry red). They usually serve chicken + spicy noodles with vegetables, grilled salmon fillet, tomatoes, julienne, Mozzarella cheese, and strawberries with cream and chocolate souffle with nuts for dessert. The Kremlin prefers good vodka for black caviar.  

Part 3. Vodka  

In no bars do I ever order cocktails with vodka, cognac or gin + soda or wine (liquor, champagne), because different-sized drinks can not be mixed, although your quick intoxication is very beneficial for scum bartenders. This is especially true for women, who are much easier to put into bed after the popular cocktail brandy + Coca Cola. Vodka is disgusting to its taste, and they drink it for the sole purpose of cheering up and running away from depression. Three times in my life I drank a glass of vodka in one gulp – in the KGB, as in the army, noting the next rank, they drop a star in a glass of vodka and the culprit of identity drinks to the bottom, to the "kiss" with an asterisk.  

Only once I drank a very delicious "vodka" thing and it happened in the suburbs, where I was visiting an old hunter who during the war was a sniper. He brought a wild cat from Siberia, brought a kitten, fed and went hunting with him – I was shocked when a small panther met us at the doorstep, meowed, looked at the owner and extended my paw to say hello. Then he told me that not only dogs, but everything, including tigers, bypass wild cats on the tenth road, because it is not just a predator, but a born killer, not knowing fear, smart and cruel. I liked Buggy (that was his name) – I was more interested than scared. So, in this house I was treated to a great moonshine infused with swamp lily – but I didn’t stand near the Absolute. In the morning  

The best appetizer for vodka is not pure fat, my dear fellow countrymen, but smoked pork, which is stuffed with garlic and sent to the freezer for an hour. Then it is cut into thin pieces and goes to the loaf, which then is also thinly cut. A portion of pure vodka is a third of a glass and I advise you to drink it from a glass. The Americans proved that vodka is best taken in conjunction with orange juice, but I personally prefer the light version of “Bloody Mary”: a third of a glass of vodka, lower the knife and slowly pour a third of a glass of tomato juice + salt, black pepper and lemon juice on it a little bit. NEVER drink vodka with carbonated mineral water – you will get intoxicated very quickly. If there is already a "vodka mood" (and in capitalist America it very often visits both millionaires and the poor), then I usually bite the first couple of servings of vodka with pickles – cucumbers, tomatoes, mushrooms, sauerkraut, herring or just drink it with brine. Do you know why? Alcohol leaches salt from the body, blood vessels become narrower and a hangover comes.  

Then, so that the vodka is more slowly absorbed and does not "cut down", there is a fat yummy such as sausages, smoked pork, sandwiches with butter and red caviar. (I do not recommend black caviar, because I saw how tons of fake herring are made in Moscow). I will NEVER experiment with hot borsch or bouillon, and everyone who loves this business should finally think about what happens when vodka is mixed with boiling water in the stomach and why the brains “turn off” so quickly. In New York, vodka goes badly, because the city has constant humidity, and in the summer, plus heat under 35-40. Buy "Smirnovskaya" (I do not believe that the kings once drank vodka for $ 12), "Absolute", "Finland". The French Gray Goose is considered the best, although I would not say that. But who surprised me here is the Indians, who completely stifle vodka and whiskey with almost no snacks and a lot. Well, about Mexicans, lovers of moonshine to drink tequila with beer, Italians with their juwy grappa and Russians who revel in Brighton, get behind the wheel and they are “knitted” by our “most courageous policemen in the world” cops, I don’t even say. There are many legends about vodka. For example, that according to Andropov’s direction super-purified vodka “Crystal” was created on the basis of alcohol and port, from which there is no hangover. Or about the fact that pop stars make vodka enemas for themselves so that their voice does not sit down. Or that regular binges help get rid of drug addiction. Nonsense. The main thing – "Drink responsibly" or, in our opinion, "Drink, but measure reason. " those who like to drink moquhine tequila with beer, Italians with their juppy grappa and Russians who revel in Brighton get behind the wheel and they are “knitted” by our “bravest” policemen in the world, I don’t even say. There are many legends about vodka. For example, that according to Andropov’s direction super-purified vodka “Crystal” was created on the basis of alcohol and port, from which there is no hangover. Or about the fact that pop stars make vodka enemas for themselves so that their voice does not sit down. Or that regular binges help get rid of drug addiction. Nonsense. The main thing – "Drink responsibly" or, in our opinion, "Drink, but measure reason. " lovers of moonshine to drink tequila with beer, Italians with their juppy grappa and Russians who revel in Brighton, get behind the wheel and they are “knitted” by our “bravest” policemen in the world, I don’t say. There are many legends about vodka. For example, that according to Andropov’s direction super-purified vodka “Crystal” was created on the basis of alcohol and port, from which there is no hangover. Or about the fact that pop stars make vodka enemas for themselves so that their voice does not sit down. Or that regular binges help get rid of drug addiction. Nonsense. The main thing – "Drink responsibly" or, in our opinion, "Drink, but measure reason. " I do not speak. There are many legends about vodka. For example, that according to Andropov’s direction super-purified vodka “Crystal” was created on the basis of alcohol and port, from which there is no hangover. Or about the fact that pop stars make vodka enemas for themselves so that their voice does not sit down. Or that regular binges help get rid of drug addiction. Nonsense. The main thing – "Drink responsibly" or, in our opinion, "Drink, but measure reason. " I do not speak. There are many legends about vodka. For example, that according to Andropov’s direction super-purified vodka “Crystal” was created on the basis of alcohol and port, from which there is no hangover. Or about the fact that pop stars make vodka enemas for themselves so that their voice does not sit down. Or that regular binges help get rid of drug addiction. Nonsense. The main thing – "Drink responsibly" or, in our opinion, "Drink, but measure reason. "